yukon jerk

now that everyone has had a chance to take in the train-wreck of a performance i gave during tit patrol's otherwise fantastic show at The Depot in york, pa, i would like to make the following excuse/explanation. During a conversation with the bartender about the legality of over-serving patrons, i must have consumed at least 10 shots of Yukon Jack--the finest of Canadian whiskey liquors. This is in addition to the 5 or so shots i enjoyed while bowling my ass off to christian hip-hop and crazy disco lights. pepper in a multitude of beers throughout our day and you've got the whole story. I have been drunk on stage before. anyone who has seen tit patrol can attest to that. at one time i had developed a now disproven theory that 64 ounces of malt liquor was the appropriate, nay necessary, ammount of beer to drink before stepping on stage. This night was an entirely different animal. For those of you unfamiliar with yukon jack, allow me to enlighten you.

The back of the bottle offers this description: “Yukon Jack is a taste born of hoary nights, when lonely men struggled to keep their fires lit and cabins warm, boldly flavorful yet surprisingly smooth, there is no spirit like Yukon Jack.” And boy are they right! this self professed "black sheep of canadian whiskeys" is not to be trifiled with. Its taste can roughly be approximated as a mix of Lord Calvert canadian whiskey mixed with licorice and a dash of cough syrup. very interesting. it's the Moxie of spirits. It is also important to note here that it clocks in at a very healthy 100 proof.

it's effects are similar to any other alcohol-- feelings of invincibility, a percieved excellence on the dance floor, crotch grabbing and, apparently, off key caterwalling. Yukon jack, however, offers something that most intoxicating beverages don't--speed and sneakinness. I remember everything until getting onto that stage. were it not for the videos i would remeber only launching myself off stage during space robots and asking todd when we were going to play a song we had played several minutes prior. i have seen yukon jack turn stalwart young men into blithering, stumbling, pugilistic dimwits. i have seen yukon jack almost singlehandedly destroy not just one night of an otherwise happy relationship, but entire weeks! property and reputations destroyed! i tangled with this monster and got off lite with only a passably-bad performance and a wicked back ache. it could have been much, much worse.

oh, yukon jack, how i love thee. it's an abusive relationship, there is no doubt about that. But isn't a characteristic of most abusive relationships the tendency of the battered, bruised and embarassed spouse to keep coming back expecting a different result? well, here i am. lemme have it!

grant patrol

p.s.- yukon jack reps who may be reading this--i am actively seeking corporate sponsorship. i will continue to enjoy your product regardless, but who doesn't want a free t-shirt?

p.p.s.- bar owners who feature yukon jack in their establishments--tit patrol is actively booking shows and this inebriate singer wants to hurl himself to your floor! (not hurl on your floor. that i will do my best to avoid) www.myspace.com/titpatrolmur. hit us up!